Thursday, September 21, 2006

Yellow Card: In The Book Again
Laura is not happy.I took advantage of her, she says.She may never shag me again, she adds.And I am a bastard who obviously doesn’t care about her cat.My defence, such that it is, runs thus: Laura, you were on my sofa, half-pissed, late at night looking drop-dead gorgeous and guzzling Chenin Blanc at an alarming rate. I, too, was half-sozzled. You are a girl, I am a boy. You have large breasts and extremely attractive long legs and I am only human. And I know what I’ve been missing all these months.Oh, and I’m allergic to cats.I might have got away with but for that last comment…Anyway, time will tell. Meanwhile, my Bloody-Mary-loving mate Zoe, she of the Twat boyfriend, suggested I did the ‘survey’ thingy below. So I have.1. One book that changed your life - the hardest question first.Tough one. I can't think of an individual book that 'changed my life'. At the moment, I'm trying to pen a kind of novel (sort of grown up fairy tale jobbie) which I hope will change my life when I flog the film rights to Disney or Big Stevie Spielberg for a fortune. Other than that, I'd have to say the Complete Works of Billy Shakey, the Bard of Avon. Not saying I've read all the plays as I haven't, but I enjoyed reading Macbeth, Lear, Comedy of Errors, Merchant of Venice etc as a teenager and they left me with a lifelong love of words. Shakespeare is therefore responsible for me being a journalist, which is a helluva lot to answer for. Just as well he's dead…2. One book that you've read more than once.The Magus, by John Fowles. There's a pertinent Latin phrase at the end but I keep forgetting the translation, so I have to look it up on the Net each time. It's been years since the Latin O Level… I re-read a few Pratchetts and Douglas Adams from time to time. 3. One book that you'd want on a desert island.Apart from Billy Shakey? I guess 'A guide to building a raft' would be pretty handy. Depends on the island, really. Like, if it was just me and fifteen gorgeous females, then a copy of the Karma Sutra might do the trick. Either that or 'Grow Your Own Viagra'…4. One book that made you laugh.There's been so many. I've mentioned a couple of authors above. Hunter S Thompson is very funny too. Actually, probably the funniest book I've read is Jeffrey Bernard Is Unwell, a collection of his newspaper columns. It had me almost wetting myself. Here, from memory, is his description of himself while attending a posh post-race meeting do. As ever, he'd had too much to drink. "I staggered out of the hedge, looking like a pissed-up badger who'd just gate-crashed a Beatrix Potter party…' I love that!5. One book that made you cry.Can't remember crying over a book. I'm continually to be found blubbering at the end of movies though. Too much Chenin Blanc normally does it.6. One book that you wish you had written.The first Harry Potter. Because I have got to the stage in my life where I know what I want. And one of the things I want is to be pig rich. From an aesthetic point of view I'd have to say something like the Alchemist, Perfume (wow!), The Strange Case of the Dog in the Nighttime, Life of Pi or A Confederacy of Dunces. All very different and very, very clever.7. One book you wish had never been written.The Bible - how much touble?!! - and Mein Kampf. The latter because if the asshole hadn't have been born he couldn't have written it.8. One book that you are reading at the moment.Some really cheesy American thrillers by a woman whose double-barrelled name escapes me right now. Mary Higgins Clarke? Mostly rubbish, but they were left behind by the ex. She can have them back…9. One book that you've been meaning to read. Oliver Twist. It's in the bookshelf in O' Flannell's so I'm reading it bit by bit. Also, the Grapes of Wrath – bought it, can't get into it at all. Sorry Mr Steinbeck but I can't.10. Five others that you'd like to do this.Hmm. I reckon Eliab, Craig, Johnny, Mrs T and American Lenny would have an interesting selection...
posted by Tippler 11:34

8 comments:
Daphne Wayne-Bough said...
Tippler, what were you doing with a woman who reads Mary Higgins Clarke? Are you afraid of intelligent women or WHAT??
September 21, 2006
MKWM said...
"Fiction reveals truth that reality obscures." Jessamyn West
September 21, 2006
Shakey said...
All things are ready, if our minds be so. It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves.Be not afraid of greatness: some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.
September 21, 2006
Tippler said...
Daphne, what can I say. I only got a good look at her books when she went back to the States. She couldn't take it all with so I got a) half her kitchen and b) a load of mostly crap books. There are three other MHC efforts on the shelf and I think I'll skip...Shakey, not sure I want anybody's greatness thrust upon me. Especially some bloke's. But thanks all the same.
September 22, 2006
Billy said...
Be not afraid of that kind of thrust. In your particular case, it is merely your strenght from above ("ma force d'en haut");-)
September 22, 2006
Craig Winneker said...
The Magus is on my nightstand right now, next in the queue
September 22, 2006
Tippler said...
Enjoy! It's a bit of a mindfuck but I think you'll enjoy it. Read the preface if it's the rejigged version. T
September 22, 2006
Irakleitos said...
I think I will read the Magus too, it shouldn't be all that Greek to me...
September 22, 2006
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
See links to this post
%

Tee-d Off
Christ, I had a few too many cider sandwiches last night. And, you know, when you do that sort of thing there always seems to be some pompous twat on hand with a glass of something non-alcoholic looking all superior coz they’re stone-cold sober and you most definitely are not.Well, there I was, sat at a table in O’ Flannell’s on Place du Lux, finishing off yet another pint of Strongbow when some smart-ass waitress (it’s usually a woman that comes out with this crap) walked by and said: “You won’t find the answer in the bottom of a beer glass, you know.”What can you say to that? “No shit, Sherlock”?Here’s what I said, for what it’s worth, after sitting up slowly and glaring at (both of) her: “My dear girl, as you so kindly point out, I may not find the answer. “However, if I drink enough of this stuff then at the very least I’ll forget the fucking question. "Now go and get me another, you supercilious cow.”I went to Fat Lad’s after that exchange.While there, I realised that the Ryder Cup starts today, so here’s some obscure golfing terms.Tee shotsA Condom – safe, but it didn't feel very goodA Glenn Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the waterA Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sandAn O J Simpson - got away with itA Michael Jackson - gradually fadingA Douglas Bader - looked good in the air but didn't have the legsA Ken Livingstone - way off leftA Jean-Marie Le Pen - too far rightAn Arsene Wenger - everyone saw where it went except youFairway shotsA Michael Barrymore - a long ironA Marlon Brando - a fat ironA Kate Moss - a thin ironA Peter Mandelson - an unbelievable ironAn Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor resultA Son-in-Law - not what you wanted, but it'll doIn a hazardAn Eva Braun - picked up in the bunkerA Saddam Hussain – goes from bunker to bunkerA Red October - underwater and you’ll never find itPuttingA Cuban - needed one more revolutionA Salman Rushdie - impossible to readA Rock Hudson – looked straight but wasn'tA Dennis Wise - a nasty five footerA Diego Maradona - a very nasty five footer
posted by Tippler 10:11

1 comments:
Tiger Woods said...
Question: What is a putter that has a head that is much wider and heavier than that of a blade putter (6)? Tippler, you will find the answer in the bottom of your glass, have a good look...
September 22, 2006
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
See links to this post

dfgsdgsdfgsdf